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Joke of the Day

"My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her. I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work."

"I bought my dog a toy cell phone, now it takes him 45 minutes to shit."

"I think this joke is clever. What do you think? How do you turn a metal cutting drill bit into a stone masonry drill bit? Sharpen the tip to 32 degrees."

"I'm going to sit here and wink at you. It's going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story."

"In what situation would you need Nancy to come out of the ground? in an emergenancy"

"I keep an identical glass of vodka next to the glass of water on my bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette"

"Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer."

"What are you supposed to do when someone is having a seizure in the bath? ...throw a load of dirty laundry in."

"Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were 'the one'? Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too."

"The reason grandchildren and grandparents get along so well is because they have a common ""enemy""."