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Joke of the Day

"Did you hear about the assassin who was given forty years to complete his assignment? He had some time to kill."

"People used to laugh at me when I would say ""I want to be an actor"" Now I'm the only one laughing"

"I learned mathematical fractions from a drug dealer. He said if I don't pay $4,000 in 7 days, I'll lose 3 fingers."

"""Newt Gingrich"" sounds like the name of a villain that JK Rowling made up."

"10 years ago, my teenage daughter ran away from home. I bumped into her the other day and she said ""Dad, I have something to tell you. I'm a prostitute"". I always knew she would suck seed."

"Since twitter, I don't go from home to car to work to car to home I go from charger to charger to charger to charger to charger"

"Stars! They're just like us! Gaseous and dying"

"So a black guy walks into a bank... Approaching the nearest available teller, he says, ""Hi, I'd like to file for bankruptcy."" ""Okay"", the teller replies, ""what's your name?"" ""Fifty Cent"" badum tisss"

"BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet. ""It was always huge & full sized!"" said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache."

"I just started a new band called Prevention Everyone says we're better than The Cure"