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Joke of the Day

"Shopping when hungry means you end up buying food you will regret. Apply the same rule for not being too horny when going to the clubs/bars."

"You know what's odd about those girls at Starbucks? They, like, literally can't, even."

"Well you know what they say You can't teach a gay dog straight tricks. -Chef (South Park)"

"Had sex for the first time yesterday. It was a load off my chest. And a load onto hers."

"So proud of myself...6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded."

"""someday this will all be yours"" I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food"

"What's scarier than Donald Trump becoming president? Bernie Sanders becoming president."

"They should make a Bollywood movie about a poor Punjabi guy that wins a singing contest against all odds. It'd be called Singh: A Song"

"Me: *trying to be cool* Scotch Bartender: Preference? Me: *nervously* hop Bartender: Bout time! *breaks out sidewalk chalk*"

"I changed my mind Wife: I changed my mind... Husband: Does the new one work?"