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Joke of the Day

"""someday this will all be yours"" I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food"

"Have you ever read the serial number on a condom before? No? You have to unroll it 2 more inches!"

"We asked 100 women what body-wash they preferred. 99% replied with: ""GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY BATHROOM, YOU PERVERT!"""

"How does a psychiatrist like his sausages? Freud"

"Why was Sean Connery accused of piracy while drinking tea? He took a ship."

"Hey baby, is that a gun in my pocket? Get in the van."

"What's worse than six babies in one refrigerator.. One baby in six refrigerators!"

"What did the asian couple name their black baby? Sum sing wong"

"If i don't get a B+ or better on the Emergency Broadcast System Test this Saturday. My mom said she's taking my iPhone away for a month."

"Judge: What is your relationship with the plaintiff? A: She is my daughter. Judge: Was she your daughter on February 13 1979?"