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Joke of the Day

"Two guys who vape walk into a bar I only know because they're naked on the bar blowing their vapes up each others' assholes right now."

"What do you call a vampire that drinks period blood? Cunt Dracula."

"I bought new sunglasses that blend well with the color of my hair so I won't feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head"

"What do you see when the Pillsbury Doughboy bends over? Doughnuts."

"Why do sumo wrestlers shave their legs? So they don't get mistaken for feminists."

"being a secretary must really suck."

"HER: Are you a dog or cat person? BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great* ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine. BRAIN: *nailed it*"

"I finally have enough money in my retirement account for the rest of my life. If I die on Tuesday."

"Why does little sally have a limp? SHE WENT TO JARED!"

"What's 6"" long, bent to the left, and in the front of my pants?? My iPhone 6."