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Joke of the Day

"Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote. Me: Don't you mean THOSE funny TWEETS? Wife: ... Me: ... Wife: No. No, I don't."

"For an extra $20, you can purchase a mountain bike instead of a Kia."

"How do you throw a party in space? Planet. I'll show myself out."

"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Except marriage, marriage will kill you."

"Every day is a holiday if you love yelling."

"What's an Apple Scottish self-aware computer called? I, Mac."

"What's worse than 5 dead babies in 1 trash can? 1 dead baby in 5 trash cans"

"A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea."

"Which company makes the best apple cider? Dicken's. Because everyone wants their Dicken's Cider."

"My thumb keeps attacking my pinky... I've got a civil war on my hands!"