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Joke of the Day

"I'd rather be an outlaw than an in-law."

"[Airport Bar] Me: I'll have a beer, please. Bartender: That'll be $45. Me: Worth it."

"Never seek the dead for guidance. They give really cryptic advice..."

"What did the 40 yr old bassoonist tell the proctologist? You need to examine my butt soon."

"Nobody in this grocery store thinks I'm a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four."

"""Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight."" -- The Swiss Army"

"My boss said to ""treat customers like you treat your mother"", so I haven't answered my phone in a month and I have 74 unheard voicemails."

"When women reach a certain age they start accumulating cats This is known as many paws"

"what are pee wee herman's favorite baseball teams? yanks and the expos"

"""Anyway it was lovely to meet you!"" - Translation: Off you go!"