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Joke of the Day

"Sure I'll send you a shirtless selfie. Just let me work out for 6 months real quick."

"HER: You promised me you were over your Bruce Willis obsession. ME: Sorry. Old habits die hard with a vengeance."

"Our welcome mat is missing its L. I'd leave it that way but I'm afraid it'll look like we're bragging."

"I bought shoes from a drug dealer.. I don't know what he laced em with but I've been tripping all day......!"

"Why is your shit tapered? So your asshole don't slam shut."

"Last week, I told my grandpa that Amazon is the best place for Christmas shopping. He just called me from Brazil."

"What's an Irish Seven Course Dinner? A boiled potato and a six-pack of Guinness Stout."

"If an Asian and a Mexican have a baby..... Would you call it an Amasian?"

"*uses blood from wounds to write my killer's name on the floor* I...will be...avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON'T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!"

"Did you guys hear the one where the Imam joins the priest and rabbi walking into the bar? That's because muslims can't drink."