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Joke of the Day

"You're telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee... They don't put any booze in it or nothin?"

"My five-year-old: ""I don't want to be your daughter anymore. I QUIT!"" No two-week notice or anything. She'd better not expect a reference."

"We can put a man on the moon but we can't reference any other achievements?"

"What do you call a frog in the no parking zone? Toad"

"ME: ""I don't want sex tonight"" GIRLFRIEND: ""ok"" Reverse phycology doesn't work on women."

"Just finished the 5th book... In the 'Learning to count' trilogy"

"""Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes"" is actually a song about everything that will hurt when you hit about 30 years old."

"1. Pick jeans to wear 2. Pull them up to thighs 3. Pants dance for 3 minutes 4. Take pants off 5. Put sweatpants on 6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie"

"Guys, throw away ALL your favorite things. Go to Pier 1, buy some throw pillows and potpourri. Ok, you're ready for marriage."

"What's the difference between finding $50 and anal sex? One will make your day, the other will make your hole weak."