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Joke of the Day

"The Viking God Thor comes to Earth... and spends all weekend shagging a woman with a harelip. On Monday morning he says to her ""I am Thor"". She replies ""you're thor, I can't even pith!"""

"Restrooms now have auto flushes, taps, hand dryers. But isn't it silly that you cancel all that by touching the door handle on your way out?"

"I recently learned that the smell of fresh cut grass is the smell plants give if when under duress, and I like that smell... I guess this makes me a sado-*manicurist*"

"Two cows are standing on a hill.... One turns to the other and says ""Hey, aren't you worried about mad cow disease?"" The other replies, ""Why should I care? I'm a helicopter!"""

"What's a wrestling chef's signature move? A Soufflex"

"Me: can i play music Funeral director: that's not appropriate Me: nana would've wanted it Director: ok CD player: someBODY once told me"

"Someone told me the first person you look at after something funny happens is the person you like the most... Good thing I always keep a mirror with me"

"The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it's not in my way."

"My friend died when she saw a wild ox wearing a knitted jumper. It was a Cardi Yak arrest."

"I was at a golf course... And I asked a lady, who looked like a regular ""Whats the distance between hole one and hole two?"". She answered ""About an inch""."