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Joke of the Day

"Party Tip: At a 3-year-old's birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you."

"What are the level differences between nannies? Answer: the A level nannies suggest leafy vegetables... But the B nannies force kale."

"Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine. Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don't sip wine."

"Why do men masturbate? It's sex with someone they love."

"Wife: Let's go outside. 3-year-old: No! The deer will eat me. Wife: Deer don't eat people 3: The zombie ones do Wife: Get your dad. Now."

"If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine."

"Why do programmers always mix up Halloween and Christmas? Because Oct 31 is Dec 25"

"Q: How do you confuse a blonde? A: Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms."

"What did the native american say the first time he saw a bicycle? Wow, white folks are pretty smart. They run sitting down. *Feel free to apply the racist native american accent of your choice.*"

"I think always mixing up vocabulary words in school hurt my career options. Because I always wanted to be an archipelago just like ""Indiana Jones""!"