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Joke of the Day

"ME: I made you some coffee! It's even double filtered... fancy right? WIFE: ME: WIFE: couldn't separate the coffee filters could you? ME: no"

"My phone knows the word ""giveth"" but not the word ""fuck."" Perfectly useful for speaking to knights but not for describing what they did."

"I mixed coffee with Red Bull, now I can see the invisible things my kitten pounces on."

"I've learned a lot about kids while working at Menard's. Namely don't bring you fucking kid to Menard's."

"If buttered toast always lands buttered side down and a cat always lands on its feet what would happen if you tied a pice of buttered toast on the back of a cat and dropped it?"

"Why did Bill and Ted join Islam? Because they heard it was radical!"

"*Lying in hospital Doctor)Your back is broken in 6 places. You may never walk again Me)At least I got all the groceries in one trip"

"This guy just scrolls through his Facebook page... And then he notices that ""Steve (Minecraft) has blocked you."""

"Two surgeons are laughing during an operation when a dermatologist walks by... ""What's so funny?"" asks the dermatologist. ""Sorry, it's a inside joke."" replies the surgeon."

"Anal sex is like your first car.. You dont want it but your dad gives it to you anyway."