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Joke of the Day

"[job interview] ""Tell me one of your long term goals"" Sleeping ""No, I meant-"" *leans in way too close* My answer isn't going to change"

"I'm not passive aggressive. Unlike *some* people."

"My dad used to wash my mouth out with soap... But that was just to get rid of the DNA evidence."

"Ann! do you remember me? We have so many memories together Ann: **SEGMENTATION FAULT**"

"When's the improper fraction helpline open? 24/7"

"As the news breaks of the passing of Michele Ferrero... I can't help but shed a chocolatier."

"Bigger Breasts Wife: ""How can I make my breasts bigger?"" Husband: ""Just rub toilet paper between them"" Wife: ""Why would that work?"" Husband: ""It worked on your butt"""

"Saw HBO were going to be making a new TV show set in an airport... They had to cancel it though as the pilot didn't take off."

"I was walking down the street in New York yesterday, when a black guy asked me if the Yankees won... I replied, ""Yeah man, you're free."""

"I'm going to start a business in India, but have technical support staff in Boston. See how those fuckers like it."