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Joke of the Day

"I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me."

"if we're on a date and you're rude to the waiter I'd be like holy shit I'm on a date"

"Hey Dad? Can you sing me the Alphabet? Sure, ""abcdefghiJK."""

"I'd love a video montage of every single time I've walked into a room and forgotten why I'm in there."

"Why did Samsung call it the Galaxy Note 7? Because ""Kindle"" was taken."

"What do you call an egg from outer space? An unidentified flying omelet!"

"How do you kill a snail? With an as-salt rifle!"

"Why did Hitler go to Sea World? To see Adolphin!"

"DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you're too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they've probably had diarrhea at some point"

"Earlier today I had a Titanic thought. It was *unthinkable*."