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Joke of the Day

"[Dinner with GFs parents] *Does shadow puppet of a bird* ""Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?"" Um *smooths tie* I'm unemployed"

"I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy."

"What's the difference between Canadians and Americans? 100 pounds."

"Got in a fight about the Treaty of Versailles. I said the German fines were too punitive; the guy at Starbucks said buy something or leave."

"Do not use the word ""ghetto"" indiscriminately unless referring to that booty there. Daaaaamn!"

"I think this is a repost. Why did Lady Diana cross the road? She wasn't wearing her seat belt."

"Why didn't the lifeguard save the drowning hippie? He was too far out man."

"I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane"

"To a young housewife: remember that a small bottle of vodka not only will decorate the table but also will hide your cooking mistakes."

"Just got back from a progressive orgy.. it was an LGBLT"