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Joke of the Day

"[Dinner with GFs parents] *Does shadow puppet of a bird* ""Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?"" Um *smooths tie* I'm unemployed"

"Spain are blaming their loss this evening on the weather. Apparently it was 2 Chile."

"What do you call a piece of toast on the ceiling? An Ethiopian rave."

"Why can't anxious people walk on tight ropes? Because they're too high-strung. Corny I know, but I wrote it myself and had to put it out there."

"Linkin Park My girlfriend broke up with me yesterday...she said she couldn't stand my Linkin Park references anymore, but I guess in the end...it doesn't even matter."

"I had a dream I was going to the zoo to throw poop at the monkeys. No, not my own poop, thats just gross. Poop I found on the way to zoo."

"Autocorrect will be the dress of me"

"I'm not saying I did terrible things last night, but Satan just woke up on my couch and won't make eye contact."

"You can tell Tim Horton's is a Canadian franchise, because my donut just apologized for making me fat."

"After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof. We believe you."