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Joke of the Day

"I've got no beef with white wine."

"I went to a zoo, but all they had was one sad-looking dog. It was a shih tzu."

"Why didn't Hannibal Lecter have any friends as a kid? He was told not to play with his food."

"Why did Julius Caesar want to quit politics? All that backstabbing was too much for him."

"What do you call a retired professional swimmer? Washed up."

"""I am cleaning up my friends list"" should be changed to ""I'm notifying you that you should give me attention and argue your friendship level to me."""

"Him: ""I feel-"" Me: ""I FEEL IT TOO. IT'S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU'RE MY LOBSTER."" Him: ""-gassy."""

"It's kinda like i'm a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes."

"I spent 10 minutes comparing minivans with another dad in case you wondered what it's like to be dead inside."

"how do you know when a prescription is being written for bulimia? when the directions for use say take one pill twice a day"