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Joke of the Day

"I'm a wealth of knowledge Unless you want it to be true Then I'm pretty solid on about 6 topics 2 of those might just be Doritos flavors"

"Just got back from Sam's Club - got a great new electric piano, 19 pack of BBQ lighters, and a impulse kayak - fuck forgot milk"

"If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?"

"Give me coffee to change the things i can change and wine to accept the things i can't."

"HR: You know why we called you down? Me:Hm. Promotion? HR: You know we monitor internet usage right? Me: I'd like to reporting a hacking."

"Christmas song for people with synesthesia: do you see what I heeeaarrr"

"I bet chickens have mixed emotions about Thanksgiving, because they're safe for a day, but why aren't they good enough for a holiday meal?"

"Besides watermelon, there should be windmelon, firemelon and earthmelon. The four elemelons."

"I can move things with my mind. Like, my arms."

"How many South Americans does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A Brazillian."