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Joke of the Day

"5yo: I can't wear those socks today. They say Wednesday. Me: If anyone notices, tell them you're here from the future to save the world."

"The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said ""Flawless Victory!"""

"What's the same about George Washington, and a tranny? They both chopped down their own cherry trees."

"Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing."

"Parents: Your room is a mess. Me: You really need to see my life."

"Girl Monster 1: ""I hear you've met the perfect guy."" Girl Monster 2: ""Oh yes he's a bad dream come true!"""

"Why does Barbie like Halloween? It's pump-ken time"

"What kind of music does a pirate like? Arrr'n'B"

"[giant fork knocks at my door] ""Excuse me sir do you have any spoons?"" [a family of spoons are cowering in my kitchen drawer] ""um...no sir?"""

"Me: Honey, are you awake? [wife rustles] Hmmm? Me: When we were fighting & you said ""Wolverine's powers suck,"" did you really mean that"