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Joke of the Day

"Rick Santorum is claiming that Mitt Romney and Ron Paul have teamed up against him... Which is kind of ironic that Santorum can be brought down by two men forming a civil union."

"What do you get when you cross the Atlantic Ocean with the Titanic? Halfway"

"What a kid I got I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife. 'creds: Rodney Dangerfield'"

"Good news! I've been given a goldfish for my birthday . . .the bad news is that I don't get the bowl until my next birthday!"

"""Could you eat scrambled eggs even if you had no saliva?"" and other things my wife did not want to talk about at brunch"

"It won't be the alcohol or cigarettes that kill me. It'll be me laughing at an inappropriate time."

"My friend Richard is protesting against the unjust treatment of Gorillas Dick's out for Harambe."

"DEATH: You're grounded! Get back here! DEATH'S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope* DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!"

"Filling out my Census form. I have to list every person who lives in my home for a majority of the time. What's your mother's name, again?"

"Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through."