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Joke of the Day

"My cookies fell in the toilet... [NSFW] My cookies fell in the toilet. Picked them up like a boss. Proceeded to eat them. They tasted like shit."

"Sometimes you'll hate a person when you first meet because it saves time."

"Of course I can tweet, talk on the phone, eat a hamburger, and apply my lipstick. I'm only driving, you know."

"My wife just emailed me asking if we had any moving boxes I told her no... All of our boxes are still. That's why we purchased them from a stationary store."

"I was so upset - I lost the spelling bee when I couldn't spell ""Armageddon"" But my friend said ""don't worry, it's not the end if the world!"""

"Thinking is bad... thinking is bad... it ruins every 3 out of 2 relationships"

"Why shouldn't white people swim? Crackers get soggy when wet."

"What does a ghost eat for dinner? Spookhetti"

"Why do people still buy bottle openers? I just don't see the reason for purchasing a bottle opener. I've been using my seat belt for years!"

"I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud."