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Joke of the Day

"Of course I can tweet, talk on the phone, eat a hamburger, and apply my lipstick. I'm only driving, you know."

"How is masturbation and brain damage similar? A few strokes and there's no going back."

"You got 30 minutes to text me back or I'm breaking into your house & responding to myself."

"Did you hear about the ghost who enjoyed doing housework? He used to go round with the oooo-ver."

"I painted my computer black, so it would run faster. but the cops choked it to death, and ruled it justified."

"My wife accused me of being immature... ...so I told her to get out of my fort."

"Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days. Me: hmmm Satan: well? Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT"

"""Sir, the good news is that your colon looks great. Maybe even the best I've ever seen. The bad news is that I'm just a hobo with a hobby."""

"Surely I'm not the only who chews extra hard to make sure the Teddy Grahams are good and dead. Surely."

"I bet some astronomers can't tell black holes apart because they're racists."