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Joke of the Day

"On our way to husbands vasectomy he asks *do you think they'll want me to remove my socks?*. I don't know what he thinks is about to happen."

"On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker."

"What do teenage terrorists drink? Smirnoff ISIS"

"Whenever I get to a restaurant and they say there is a wait I say ""do you know who I am?"" because while I wait I like to be introspective"

"You should never have sex with your family member. No matter how much they incest!"

"Two deer at a gay bar Two deer walk out of a gay bar. One turns and says to the other, ""I can't believe I just blew thirty bucks in there."""

"Killed a spider for my wife last night and got laid. Now every.spider.must.die."

"Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want. Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN? Him: Fishing"

"A guy just came into this restaurant by himself, ordered a plate of olives, ate them, and left. If you see something, say something."

"My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn't know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA"