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Joke of the Day

"A guy just came into this restaurant by himself, ordered a plate of olives, ate them, and left. If you see something, say something."

"Who is the richest painter? Manet."

"You've reached the Suicide Hotline. If you're clinically depressed, press 1. If you sent a tweet with a typo in it, press 2."

"Have you heard about the pussy that opens beer bottles? Here's a bottle opener, go get me a beer."

"I felt I was overcharged by a prostitute, so I cut off the end of her foot.... ... When I was finally arrested, they charged me with Grand Theft Whore Toe"

"Me: *disappears for a few weeks* Friends: *No concern* Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB* Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?"

"Q: How is a penis like fishing? A: The small ones you throw back the medium ones you eat and the larger ones you mount."

"Can Bernie Sanders recover? From his devastating win in Michigan?"

"Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth."

"My dad once told me this one If you walk into the bathroom an American and come out of the bathroom an American, what are you when you're in the bathroom? European :^)"