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Joke of the Day

"""Son, hey son"" Yeah dad? ""Know why we named you Adopted?"" *Sighs* Because I'm adop- ""BECAUSE YOU'RE ADOPTED"" Good one dad ""I'm not your dad"""

"Just been chatting to my neighbour's teenage daughter and it turns out she's really into UFOs and aliens. Which is cool because tomorrow she's getting abducted."

"A doctor goes to write a prescription... He reaches into his pocket to take out his pen, but finds a rectal thermometer instead. Annoyed, he complains, ""Some asshole stole my pen!"""

"I bet ""Fifty Shades of Grey"" won't make that much money because most of the people who want to see it are tied to a bedpost."

"I used to have phone sex now I have hearing aids"

"One day I'll pretend to be gay. I'll make lots of female friends, gain their trust. Become their confidant, and when they least expected...BAAM!!! I'll fuck their boyfriends"

"If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive."

"Liam Neeson's wife asks him to do some household chores Taken: Out the Garbage"

"Why did the Scottish cannibal live on a sugar plantation? He said ""So that I can feed my lads with m'lasses."""

"I don't get why people think the homeless are unclean... when they have the mintiest breaths I've ever smelled."