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Joke of the Day

"Just been chatting to my neighbour's teenage daughter and it turns out she's really into UFOs and aliens. Which is cool because tomorrow she's getting abducted."

"The only reason I get up in the morning is so I can drink at night."

"""We want people to wake up, but also want to kill themselves."" - Alarm Clock Sound Engineers"

"My girlfriend is fed up of my constant wordplay jokes. I asked her, ""What can I do to stop my addiction?"" She said, ""Whatever means necessary."" ""No it doesn't,"" I said."

"Why is ""porn"" not a standard button on keyboards yet?"

"What do you call it when somebody kills a perfect circle of religious leaders? A 360 No-Pope"

"Coffee is a miracle. Perhaps the only miracle. Does that sound crazy? I've had a lot of the miracle this morning. My eyes are shaking."

"Went to the zoo last week and all they had was one animal and it was a dog... It was a shih tzu."

"What did one saggy boob say to the other? We better perk up or somebody is going to think were nuts."

"I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes."