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Joke of the Day

"A blind prostitute is giving a guy a handjob... ...And she says ""Wow this is the biggest dick I've ever been with!"" And the guy goes ""Nah, you're just pulling my leg."""

"What is Donald Trump's favorite river? Denial."

"Can't afford to get my newspaper delivered by iPad. What is that? $500 every morning?"

"How do blonde braincells die? Alone. "

"What do you call a wine convention in upstate New York? The Lake Champlain Champagne Campaign"

"Your restraining order says ""no"", but the 1/8"" gap between your living room curtains says ""yes""."

"My wife was having an affair... I was devastated. But, by turning to religion I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam and we're stoning her in the morning."

"if u see someone chewing gum in the morning, it's 100% bc they didn't brush their teeth. they're nasty as hell n not worthy of ur respect"

"If I text you first you are probably amazing."

"I hope when the machines take over the world they start by fixing my cable."