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Joke of the Day

"if u see someone chewing gum in the morning, it's 100% bc they didn't brush their teeth. they're nasty as hell n not worthy of ur respect"

"ME: I worked at a zoo for a while THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that? ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories"

"Did you hear about the skeleton that couldn't go to the party? He had no body to go with!"

"What is the thinnest book in the world? What Men Know About Women..."

"Which is more threatening? A big sword or a small sword? The small sword - it's a little rapier"

"It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one."

"Body Glitter: For the girl who wants to leave a sparkling trail of daddy issues everywhere she goes"

""" I am not Acting"" Me: (talking random shit to my friend) Friend: ""Stop acting stupid"" Me: "" I am not Acting"""

"A guy walks into a bar. ouch!"

"Have you heard about Beyonce's new perfume line, Beyotch?"