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Joke of the Day

"Everytime someone call me fat,I cut myself... A slice of pizza,who want some?"

"Why could Edward not leave his driveway and get back to his home country? He was Snowden."

"I lovingly caress my belly. ""You're expecting?"" a woman asks. I smile serenely. ""Just ate an amazing burrito,"" I tell her."

"This headline stunned me- ""Mars to reduce carbon emissions"" Until I realized it was the candy maker ... and not the planet."

"I was gonna tell a gay joke... ~~butt fuck it.~~ though I decided not to because it would offend the members of the LGBT community."

"[Romeo and Juliet as turtles] ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath JULIET: I'm just stuck on my back R: we're turtles, Juliet"

"It's your first time when you high af and you could feel the earth rotating faster than usual... in the opposite direction."

"My son woke me last night and said ""There's another daddy in the house!"" I don't think he understands how gay marriage works."

"What do you call a blind German? A nazi."

"BABY DRINK Q: How do you make a baby drink? A: Stick it in the blender."