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Joke of the Day

"*holds flashlight under chin Me: suddenly the mystery of... Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins *drops flashlight Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!"

"*puts on strapless bra *takes an extra Prozac"

"Does anyone else think Squidward's nose looks like...nevermind. There are children in the room."

"What did the bartender say to the horse? bartender: Why the long face? Horse: My alcoholism is destroying my family."

"My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights."

"Did you hear about the monster who had twelve arms and no legs? He was all fingers and thumbs."

"""And that's the last time I ever pet a lion"", said Tom, offhandedly."

"First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It's almost like they know I'm the target demographic."

"Donald Trump if elected President will change the name of his plane Hair Force One"

"""Knok Knock "" -""Knok Knock."" =""Who's there ?"" -""Grandad"" =""Shit, stop the funeral"" credit: Gary Delaney"