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Joke of the Day

"I just got Natalie Portman's autograph! Sure, it's on a restraining order, but still..."

"When I'm looking for a parking spot I turn the radio down because clearly I can see better when it's quieter..."

"Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the ""Ras"" and slipping back into Russian politics."

"I think black people are great Everybody should own one!"

"When I grow up, I want to spend 1/3 of my life sleeping, 1/3 staring at a computer in a tiny cubicle and 1/3 hating myself. (realistic kid)"

"Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it."

"Have you guys heard of the movie constipation? No, that's because it hasn't come out yet."

"My date said he wasn't looking for anything serious like I was trying to help him solve cold case files and shit."

"BRENDA: I brought cookies! ME: I guess I can have one, I've been good all week *eats cookie* *eats entire tray of cookies* *eats Brenda too*"

"Two more nuns Two nuns in a bath. First one says ""where's the soap?"" Second nun says ""yeah, it does doesn't it."""