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Joke of the Day
"I hate two-faced people. It's so hard to decide which face to slap first."
Next Joke
"Saw an offer up at a pet shop selling unwashed dogs 'Buy one get one flea'"
"I don't have instagram, so I thought you guys should know I had Starbucks this morning. The cup was super cool looking. I also saw a rainbow"
"I was flirting with an Asian girl at a bar last night when I decided to ask for her number. She replied, ""Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!"" I said, ""Wow!"" Then her friend said, ""She means 6663629""."
"I had to throw away a whole carton eggs this morning. They were all starting to grow a little fowl."
"Haters gonna hate. Procrastinaters gonna ... get back to you on that tomorrow..."
"The overspray from my windshield washer fluid just totaled a smart car."
"I'm not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure."
"Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn't break."
"The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly."