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Joke of the Day

"What do you call a pachyderm that doesn't matter? Irrelephant."

"Fred: Do you like the dictionary I bought you for your birthday? Harry: Sure. It's a great present but I just can't find the words to thank you enough."

"[Hospital front desk] ""Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-"" *wife hits me* ""Baby delivery, I mean she's here to deliver a baby"""

"Where do you weigh a whale? At a whale weigh station"

"It's so awkward when a man texts you to come over and you have to pretend like you weren't already inside their house."

"Why Don't feminists make good botanists? They spend the entire time in the greenhouses bitching about the glass ceiling."

"I bought a book on DIY. So far my dad has read me 103 pages of it."

"If you watch Harry Potter backwards, Voldemort is really good at zapping people back to life and turning Harry into a baby."

"Hear about the first Polish Olympic gold medalist? He was so proud, he had his medal bronzed."

"Me: I'm way tougher than you. Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural. Me: So? Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache."