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Joke of the Day

"I bought a book on DIY. So far my dad has read me 103 pages of it."

"At this point, I'm positive I've read the entire Bible via Facebook status updates. *crosses off bucket list*"

"Do you know the story of a penguin that breathed with his ass? It sat down and died."

"My gf went to the beauty parlor and got a Brazilian. Nothing extreme, just punched her."

"""I can't believe we're selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk..."" WALL: ""I saw you vacuum up your kid's hamster."""

"(Possible trigger) I wanted to smoke a joint with some Mexicans today.. I asked if anybody had papers and they all ran."

"How do you eat a computer? byte by byte."

"A pirate walks into a bar with a ships wheel down the front of his pants. The bartender says, ""Hey mate, what's with the wheel?"" The pirate responds, ""Arg, it's driving me nuts!"""

"What did the brick say to the rock? Nothing, it's just a brick, what's wrong with you."

"Two guys who vape walk into a bar I only know because they're naked on the bar blowing their vapes up each others' assholes right now."