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Joke of the Day

"You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance."

"Netflix is all, ""Do you want to watch a bunch of crappy documentaries? No?? Well how about if we charged you $9 a month to watch them??"""

"There's a strong correlation between the amount of pre-made holes in a guy's jeans & his level of douchiness."

"Me: This is the year I'm going to save money. Also me: *googles, ""how to purchase a baby elephant?""*"

"Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it."

"The US Judicial system"

"Her: You don't have to cook me dinner, we can just go out. Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it's fine I don't mind.."

"What did the two gum diseases say to the one who had a party without them? Why di'n'ja 'vite us?"

"I was going to tell you a joke about hipsters. But you probably wouldn't understand."

"PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released? ME: Crimes. PB: Excuse me? ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I'M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW."