151984

Joke of the Day

"PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released? ME: Crimes. PB: Excuse me? ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I'M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW."

"What's the difference between a Boy Scout and a Jew? Boy Scouts come home from camp."

"When my mom told me to stop acting like a flamingo I had to put my foot down."

"On what grounds did the wife divorce her husband when she found out he was having an affair with the leader of Cuba? Infidelity"

"My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL"

"How long does it take to reach the ground from 100 stories up? The rest of your life."

"A spider crawled on my son's hand today. I did what any father would do. I mean, Luke Skywalker seems like a productive member of society."

"Why did Frodo set his cell phone to vibrate? He was afraid the ring would give him away."

"A giraffe walks into a bar and happily announces, ""A round of drinks for everybody!"" ... ""The highballs are on me!"""

"I'm a bokeper Q: Isn't that bookkeeper? A: People always mix me up with my brother. He's... a double-entry bookkeeper."