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Joke of the Day

"It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot."

"Me at age 5 ""I wish I had a $1"" Me at age 10 ""I wish I had $100"" Me at age 17 ""I wish I had $1,000,000"" Me at age 26 ""I wish I had $1"""

"Why did the little boy use his inhaler? ""No wheezin'"""

"Next time you get in a fight with your girl.. Go tighten all the lids on the jars."

"What did the right boob say to the left boob? ""You're my breast friend"""

"What's the difference between U and I? J"

"In retrospect; being a fat girl, bringing a black & white swimsuit to a water park 2 weeks after a killer whale attack, was a horrible idea."

"Do fish get thirsty?"

"I got fired from my job at the cemetery yesterday... I made a grave mistake."

"When I see a plate of food, I eat it, rather than photograph it like a dangerous psychopath with no respect for God's Law."