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Joke of the Day

"HR: know why you're here? Me: I put my tongue in the candy cutter Union: well..unsafe..but fired? HR: the candy cutter's name is Trish"

"I've just started going out with some anorexic twins, two birds one stone"

"I would think you'd have to be open minded... ...to be a brain surgeon."

"[First date] Me: ""So, what do you do?"" Date: ""I'm a librarian."" Me: ""Oh, my bad."" *Whispers for the entire rest of the date*"

"Someone told me my math skills were average. I replied that they were just being mean."

"What is red and green, and goes over 3000 miles per hour? A frog in the blender"

"You know your old when you come close to shaving your nipple off while trying to shave your legs!"

"What's the best thing to do with a thimble? Bang it with a drum-thtick!"

"I hear Bernie has his own personal knives and forks... They're called cucklery"

"I'm going to name my first kid Authorized Personnel so they can go wherever they want in life."