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Joke of the Day

"[First date] Me: ""So, what do you do?"" Date: ""I'm a librarian."" Me: ""Oh, my bad."" *Whispers for the entire rest of the date*"

"Hey, Can I take you to Hogwarts? Because I'm 9 and 3/4."

"Don't be silly, I'm not objectifying women. I'm not sexually attracted to objects."

"At a family gathering of Rednecks, NEVER say ""come at me bro"""

"Occasionally I like to stroll into a bank, pull a gun, shout ""Everybody be cool!"" and then hand out sunglasses and leather jackets."

"WIFE: you need a haircut ME: I do not WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping* ME: shhhh, she just had babies"

"Lost my pet unicorn. If you find it, please share your drugs."

"What do you call a Crazy female deer? A doenut"

"Hollywood hasn't remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they're okay."

"Santa: its snowing Christmas is canceled Put everything in the garbage Elves: no! Rudolph: what if I told you I had a very small red light"