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Joke of the Day

"If I had a nickel for every time I was right and my parents were wrong. . . I would owe more than what America owes China."

"Benefits of dating me: 1. You're the smart one"

"After eating Thanksgiving at my house, my friends are always asking me how I prepare the turkey... ...easy, I tell the bird he is going to die."

"I found out where babies come from and it's fucking gross you guys."

"Everything always ends well. If not it's probably not the end."

"I asked my North Korean friend... ...how it was there. He said he couldn't complain."

"Where do impoverished Italians live? In the spaghetto"

"Now I'm not saying I'm a good businessman... But I spent $534 million less than Hillary Clinton to not become president."

"Jim: I'm totally spacing out on a word. Me: OK J: What's that awful thing called... M: ... J: You wake up with it after you drink? M: Linda."

"In light of the recent Taylor Swift & Tom Hiddleston news. I believe they shouldn't have let slip they are dating and kept it Loki (Joke above)"