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Joke of the Day

"Interviewer: why did you leave your last job? Me: hmm that's a tough one. I guess I'd probably have to say listening is my biggest strength"

"Buddy: her boyfriend was killed? Me: Yeah, she said he was hung like a horse but I'm like, who even kills horses like that?"

"*Leaves home for the day... *Fears I left something behind *Runs inside to see baby playing with my phone. *Grabs phone & leaves."

"Black Joke Why do black people have nice clothes, expensive jewelry, and drive fancy cars with rims but live in crappy houses/apartments? -They haven't figured out how to steal houses yet."

"Han Solo asks Yoda, ""Master Yoda, are we going the right way?"" Yoda replies, ""off course, we are"""

"""Hi yes I'd like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge"" ""Very good sir"" [ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]"

"Did you hear about all the butterball turkeys that got recalled? The balls weren't buttered. Thanks to my grandpa for that one. It's his annual thanksgiving joke."

"*goes to get phone out of car *sees car has been stolen *finds phone in back pocket OH THANK GOD"

"Me: *Sweeping* Wife: Excuse me Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS Wife: ... Me: That's from lord of Wife: MOVE! Me: *Moves*"

"How do you react to the fragrance of a bottle of wine from the year 2000? Smells like teen spirit."