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Joke of the Day

"*pulls up to window* Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I'll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*"

"My signature move, is pulling on a push only door, when attempting to get it for a woman."

"Stress? Don't talk to me about stress. Some of my favorite TV characters are currently in truly sticky situations"

"Ever been in the shower, already late, when you feel that colorectal peristaltic action and think ""Damnit, I don't have time for this shit!"""

"[Swims out to Sea] *sees shark* OH NO! *dolphins save me* Thanks dolphins! *dolphins ask for a tip [I'm broke] *they return me to the shark*"

"When I was young I used to pray for a bike, then I realized that God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness."

"CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don't know they lost."

"Everyone has that one friend who treats their Facebook status like their therapist."

"Exaggerations went up by a million percent last year."

"I hate gender roles. They make me so angry and virile and strong"