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Joke of the Day

"Me: ""You flunked the labs & the midterm. You need 154% in the final to pass."" Him: ""So there's still a chance?"" Me: ""Let me ask my unicorn."""

"Infants annoy me How do you stop a baby from crawling around in circles? you nail it's other hand to the floor"

"When Chipotle says, ""Guacamole is $1.50 extra, is that ok?"" I pause, then say, ""Hang on, let me call my financial advisor."""

"What's the difference between the US and Russian Presidents? US presidents get shot while Russian presidents take shots."

"Alcohol is not in my vodkabulary. However, I looked it up on whiskeypedia and learned if you drink too much of it, it's likely tequilya."

"When i have sex it's a race to see who comes first ... me or the aspca"

"How did the girl with fetal alcohol syndrome tag a picture of herself on instagram? \#nophiltrum"

"My dad: People overcome adversity all the time son... Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?"

"After reading about Rihanna's thug life tattoo, I think we all owe Chris Brown an apology."

"Why did the bicycle fall over? Because it was two-tired"