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Joke of the Day

"[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding] lol a horse drawn carriage? ""what's funny about that?"" a horse can't hold a pencil karen"

"What does a geography graduate do with a lightbulb? Not get a job."

"It's too bad Batman's real name wasn't Bruce Bates, then Alfred would be saying Master Bates all the time."

"I start my job at a restaurant tomorrow I can't wait"

"LinkedIn Bans Prostitutes And Escorts! I wasn't even aware this service was available on LinkedIn. Why am I always late to the party?"

"What did the lonely lumberjack use to get laid? TINDERRRRR!!!!"

"mom: I'm not your friend I'm your mother! [20 years later] mom: why won't you accept my friend request on FB? I'm your mother"

"I just found the Wand of Transfiguration! This changes everything!"

"People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys. In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys."

"I've accepted that my brother is never paying back that money I loaned him... I've lost interest, and I'm just giving up on the principal."