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Joke of the Day

"I start my job at a restaurant tomorrow I can't wait"

"I didn't realize what ""Shoot the J"" meant... So naturally people explained it to me when I shouted it at the wheelchair basketball halftime show."

"A guy tried to fight me for $0.25 I gave him no quarter."

"the numa numa man just bougt a $70million house and im here at the library trying to photocopy a fruit roll up"

"Why does the Pirate Wear Camouflage Underwear? To hide his booty."

"Benedict Arnold's boy pointed out the front window ...and pointed at a maple. ""Look daddy, a bush,"" he said excitedly. ""That's not a bush,"" Benedict replied, ""that's a tree son."""

"I'm a heavy sleeper... Also, a heavy awaker... Okay, I'm fat."

"On phone: GF: We're breaking up... Me: I can hear you fine! GF: It's not you, it's me... Me: Did you get a new provider? GF: Kinda... Bye!"

"Where there's a will there's an ""OMG! What's it say!? What does it say?""."

"I asked my friend in North Korea what it was like living there.... He said he couldn't complain."