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Joke of the Day

"Wife wants to hang pictures of our kids in the bathroom. Like they don't already spend enough time in there with us."

"I will never be okay with how Michael is spelled."

"God lets you know where you stand with him by how tangled your headphones get."

"While at our wedding, I pointed out to my wife-to-be... that her her veil wasn't nearly opaque enough. She responded by discreetly implying she would hit me. It was a thinly-veiled threat."

"Why didn't Helen Keller scream when she fell off the cliff? Because she was wearing mittens."

"My new thesaurus is terrible. It's also terrible."

"I don't play guitar, but I sure would pluck your G-string."

"I'm not sure how I feel about people who are missing an arm. On one hand, they're probably nice people..."

"The Republicans told us that if we let the gays marry, soon people'd be marring horses! I'm still waiting. :("

"What do you call two mexicans playing tennis? Juan on Juan."