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Joke of the Day

"What did the vampire do to stop his son biting his nails ? He cut all his fingers off !"

"""As one door closes, another one opens,"" he said. ""That's all well and good,"" I said, ""But until you fix it, I'm not buying the car."""

"dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver me: *looking* dad: Isn't that a Phillips beside you? me: It says ""Craftsman"" dad: me: Are you crying?"

"What's the difference between 'your mum' and 'knock knock' jokes? A door doesn't let you come inside."

"I do whatever I can to fight poverty So the other day, I punched a tramp (Courtesy of Milton Jones)"

"I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F'ing B."

"I just finished reading Mein Kampf... Pretty good for light reading, I rate it nein out of ten."

"When I was a kid, I asked my mom if I could lick the beater. ""Don't be stupid,"" she said, ""your father's not home."""

"An apple a day does not keep the doctor away. Look at Steve Jobs."

"A co-pilot walks into a library and asks for a number of books on suicide. The librarian says ""Are you going to take them all out with you""? ""Hmmm"" he replies ""That's a good idea"""