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Joke of the Day

"Him: Productive conference call? Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap."

"How do we know that Dumbledore was a horcrux? Because killing him after the second film wasn't good enough."

"The good news is, that bag of clothes from 1998 that I still haven't taken to the donation centre...they are back in style now."

"Why did Renault name a car ""Le Car""? So customers wouldn't accidentally drive Le Lawnmower to work."

"The sunrise is beautiful and all but i wouldn't get out of bed for it"

"We had a nice, quiet dinner last night... Except for the Celery, of course!"

"Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus."

"If time-outs have tought me anything, It's that doing something wrong gets you time for peace,quiet,and solidarity. In a place called jail."

"Watch it bro, your mouth's writing checks your body can't cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?"

"Can February March? No, but April May."