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Joke of the Day

"I have walrus-like reflexes! Basically I roll around my apartment and slap my belly when I want food"

"What do you call a group of gay cavemen? Homo erectus."

"I learned 2 things at least when I was married 1. Always passcode lock your phone 2. Don't use a nude pic of your gf as the lock screen"

"What do you call a pig with the flu? A swine swine."

"They canceled school and reminded everyone to ""Prepare for a blackout"" I've got 2 bottles of Vodka and percocet Blackout is *so happening*"

"[babysitting] Ok well sorry I threw all your kid's toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party"

"When I lived on the street, I always wanted to become a plumber, get a home, and run a business... But that was just a pipe dream."

"What do you call a man that stabs many packets of Cornflakes? A Cereal Killer."

"My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting"

"There should be an app that, in the event of your death, your phone will seek the nearest toilet & submerge itself, destroying all evidence"