167459

Joke of the Day

"I learned 2 things at least when I was married 1. Always passcode lock your phone 2. Don't use a nude pic of your gf as the lock screen"

"What do you call a black guy who just graduated from medical school? Doctor, you racist son of a bitch."

"I like to sit on my hand AFTER i jerk off... ..makes me feel like someone else is making me a sandwich."

"So I told my secretary.... to go buy me a fighting stick, but the best he could find was a walking stick. Honestly you can't get the staff."

"Pros are good and cons are bad, so... What's the opposite of constitution?"

"Fox News has determined the cause of the recent plane crash. It was the left wing."

"[1st date] *recalls buddy said women like a manly man* *but also, be sensitive* I like to work with my hands, But splinters make me cry."

"If you visit a city, make sure you buy a T-shirt with that cities name on it so people know you went to that city."

"The toughest part of a diet isn't watching what you eat...It's watching what other people eat."

"What's a martini's favorite garnish? Olive 'em!"