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Joke of the Day

"[babysitting] Ok well sorry I threw all your kid's toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party"

"Stopped to put air in my tires today. The pump cost $1.50! I remember when those things used to only cost 25 cents. Guess the price has adjusted for inflation."

"911: What's your emergency? Me: He text me first. Just to say hi. What do I do?! 911: Be cool Me: I sent him a list of baby names instead"

"Did you hear about the ex-porn star who got fired from the gas station? Every time he got close to filling the tank, he'd pull the nozzle out and spray gasoline all over the car."

"I got a bone to pick it's been stuck in my teeth for days"

"I routinely take 8 flights of stairs for no other reason than to avoid idle chit chat in the elevator. See, hating people can be healthy!"

"According to chemists, alcohol IS a solution..."

"The best curves on a girl is her smile.....Naw just kidding look at dat ass!"

"A vampire walks into a bar and asks for for a cup of boiling water The bartender says to the vampire dont vampiers drink blood? the vampire pulls out a used tampon and say yes im making tea!"

"Him: drink? Me: I have a boyfriend Him: I have a goldfish Me: What??? Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don't matter"